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That Doesn't Go There
(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room, though he's facepalming.) Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, yadda yadda, etcetera etcetera. Look, remember last week when I said that episode was the one I've been dreading when I started doing this? I was wrong. This one! This week, we take a look at one of the most fundamental aspects of what-the-fuckery: The incomprehensible act of taking what you got, putting it some place for which it was never intended. While that might sound like a less than commonplace occurence, it's not. Not by a longshot. Everyday around the world, people take it upon themselves to molest anything that will stand still for longer than two seconds. And I do mean anything. We're not talking about mismatches as simple as round peg, square hole. No no, we're talking trees, microwave ovens, household furnishings, parking meters...you starting to get the idea here, kids? No? Well then, let me elaborate! (We come to our cartoon, A Brief History of...wait, what?) Nash (vo): One of the most...(he notices what the title said) Oh would you just get on with it? (No, seriously. This is what we're doing this week?) I'm not paying you for a running commentary. (You ain't paying me at all.) Get on with it or I give you a once-over with an electromagnet. (Fine.) (Now the actual title, A Brief History of That Doesn't Go There (Jackass)) Nash (vo) : Hey! Thin ice, mister! (cut to Stick Boy) As I was saying, one of the most basic drives of any organism is to mate. (Stick Boy gets a thought bubble that reads CENSORED, getting a grin on his face) It's hardcoded into our DNA that we should always be on the lookout for an occasion to be fruitful and multiply. (a DNA strand is shown with angry eyes saying "RAR. DNA DEMANDS NOOKIE!") Unfortunately, that's not always an option. (Stick Boy holds out a bouquet of flowers for two Stick Girls) As a result of circumstance. (the Stick Girls have hearts in their eyes for each other and then a CENSORED box goes over them, leaving Stick Boy mad) Happenstance. (He tries again with another girl, only for a flaming asteroid to crash into her) Or just by being an undesirable mate. (He tries it again, only now a speech bubble saying "I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT TRANSFORMERS!" Stick Girl dashes off) And here's where the problem comes in. While we're compelled to mate, we don't always...have a mate. (The DNA strand is shown) Now, that nasty little section of DNA doesn't wanna hear that, (It now says "What? No fucky-fucky? THERE WILL BE BLOOD!") So the drive remains to be sated. Normally this can be dealt with by means of a little, um...(a golden hand statue is shown) handiwork. And while there are numerous and sundry ways to assist with this situation, some people eschew these for more...creative outlets. (Stick Boy's thinking, then gets a light bulb) You end up with some people who, for some reason, take it upon themselves to deal with their drives in ways that range from the insane, (one Stick Boy marrying a fire hydrant), to the baffling, (a picture of a bearded man dressed up as Sailor Moon) to the downright life threatening. (Stick Boy's looking at a wood chipper) I said life threatening. (Stick Boy takes out a sign that says "Yeah, no.") Hey, who's running this show? Me or you? Hop to it. (He takes out another sign saying "Dude, not even with Bea Arthur's dick.") Oh fuck sake, listen, you march your worthless little stick punk ass over there and get on with it, you goddamn ass ape! (Stick Boy gets mad, takes out a hammer and walks to Nash) Oh what, what do you think you're gonna--(the sound of banging is heard) Hey! Ow! Fuck! Ow! Nash: (he's rubbing his head) Ah, shit! Little stick bastard! You just can't find good poorly drawn labor these days! Where was I? Oh, right. So, having prepared you for this week's madness as best I can...by which I mean not at all, let's hit our first story. It's a tale of forbidden love to rival some of the greatest romance stories ever told. Well, if anyone ever wrote a romance where a guy fucks a picnic table, that is. (The report is titled "Man Caught Having Sex With Picnic Table") Nash (vo): Arthur Price of Bellevue, Ohio, was accused of having sex with his patio furniture and arrested for public indecency. The arrest was based on an anonymous tip, and three dvds of video featuring Price "waxing the furniture" the hard way. (The Girls Gone Wild theme plays as various pieces of furniture are shown) Nash (vo): It's furniture gone wild! (A shelf is shown with "TOO HOT FOR TV" shown underneath) And this time, you won't believe what these young tables (a table is also shown, the words "TOTALLY UNCENSORED!" under it) and benches are doing. (A bench is shown with the words "HOT! HOT! HOT!" on the side) It's completely hot, and completely unvarnished. (Another table is shown, this one saying "YOUNG NAKED TABLES!") Order now! Nash: What the fuck is wrong with you!? A picnic table!? A picnic table! My good sir, you haven't just made the Baby Jesus cry. You made blood shoot out his nose! Not only that, the guy did it long enough, and often enough, to fill three dvds! The hell did he do, rub cocaine on his dick while freebasing viagra and shooting enzyte into his eyeballs? He's lucky the neighbors just shot video of him for evidence and didn't escalate to cleansing him with fire! (A picture of a guy shooting a flamethrower with the caption "KILL IT WITH FIRE" is shown) You think it's a rarity, let's head on to our next story which definitely has...(using a Sean Connery impression) the proper amount of suction. (The report is titled "Man caught in vacuum sex act gets 90 days") Nash (vo): From Saginaw, Michigan, Jason Leroy Savage had a wicked awful case of morning wood. Officers were called to the scene when they discovered he'd attempted to solve his frisky dingo by fucking a car wash vacuum. (A clip of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope is shown) Leia: You came in that thing? (Instead of the Millennium Falcon, it's a vacuum cleaner) You're braver than I thought. Nash: Oh for christsake. Look, I've done some stupid things in my lifetime. I still have most of their phone numbers. But the point is, never have I ever in my dumbest, drunkenest moments ever seen fit to make love to a car wash vacuum. Just because something sucks real hard when you give it a dollar doesn't mean you should fuck it! Actually, that's probably a good rule to live by no matter the circumstances. Anyway, it's a public car wash. If you absolutely have to molest an industrial appliance, it's probably not a good idea to do it when there's a line of cars behind you. What did he think they were gonna do? Critique his performance? Yes, that's a 7 from the gentleman in the Yugo, the lady in the blue Chevy gives it a 6.5, now let's see what Simon thinks. To be fair to both of these guys, aside from public indecency, sex with inanimate objects is a victimless crime. Brace yourself, kids. It's about to get a hole lot darker. From New Zealand, a 16-year old was arrested in plain view of all the world having sex with a (suddenly has Shrek's voice) donkey. (he looks around, says donkey again, only for it to have Shrek's voice again. He says it a few more times, still with Shrek's voice, but only on that one word.) Oh yeah, that's not gonna get old fast. (The report is titled "Youth accused of sex with donkey.") Nash (vo): The youth in question was arrested after he took the donkey into the middle of an open horse reserve about the size of a football field...which was overlooked by the home of a horrified older couple who called the police. Nash: The story goes on to note that in New Zealand, the penalty for bestiality--(Interspecies erotica, fucker!)--fine. The penalty for interspecies erotica is a whopping seven years in jail. Fucking hell. In America, you can bankrupt the entire economy and walk away without so much as even a fine. But in New Zealand, fuck one little donkey and you're facing a decade behind bars. Is it just me or does it seem our priorities are a little bit fucked up? Anyway, back to the story. Kid, what in the wide wide world of sports is wrong with you? It's a donkey. The donkey doesn't want to have sex with you! I'll say that one more time. The donkey...doesn't want...to have sex with you! It's not coming on to you! It's not making bedroom eyes! It's a donkey! It wants to eat grass, and make loud, stupid noises, and be voiced by Eddie Murphy. Doesn't wanna go steady! Don't fuck donkeys! Jesus, how much worse could this week get? (Soon as he said that, we get a report titled "Cucumber in rear was 'failed suicide bid'" Nash is shocked, it pans over the headline, then his head blows up) Nash (vo): Holy shit! I am beyond baffled here. Apparently, the man, 62-year old Chin Wei was discovered in a pool of his own blood with a cucumber up his butt that he claimed was a suicide attempt. Why a cucumber" Sheriff of Nottingham (voice clip): Because it's dull, you twit! It'll hurt more! Nash: Stop me if I'm wrong here, but I would think that of all the possible wounds you could inflict in an attempt to kill yourself, a cucumber in the ass would be among the least effective. Now, we're led to one of two conclusions. Either this guy was caught "mastering his chi" with a cucmber, severely injured himself and thought the only way to save face would be to come up with the suicide story. Or he was dumb enough to believe jamming a vegetable in your ass could kill you. I'll let you kids pick whichever of those two options helps keep the nightmares at bay. Think we've pretty much established this shit happens way too often to be a random occurence. As a result, I've consulted my audience and we have put together a simple guide for the less sanity inclined members of our species. I present to you now an easy to follow guide to That Does Not Go There. (We now come to a video called A Beginner's Guide To That Does Not Go There, with the Entertainer as the background music) (One guy holds up a hot dog on a bridge overlooking a river.) Shipping Lanes. (A woman has the weiner near flowers) The Neighbor's Garden. (Another woman's holding a hot dog, shaking her head no as she points to a tank) Artillery. (A man takes out a pack of cigarettes and opens them) A...pack of smokes? Oooookay. (A picture of Wal-Mart) Chain discount stores. (Another guy brings the hot dog to a bronze statue of children on a bench) Your make-believe kids. (Another guy has the hot dog pointed at the car exhaust) A late-model sedan. (A picture of the moon from the 1902 movie, A Trip to the Moon) Beyond the stars. (The cigarette guy takes out half of a hotdog and begins lighting it in his mouth like a cigarette.) ?!?!?!?? (A man holds the hot dog near a statue) National monuments. (A man in a top hat bows, takes his hat off and pulls a hot dog out, putting it in a food processor) Yes, it will blend. (he takes the cup out and shows the blended result) Penis smoke. Don't breathe that. (A woman brings the hot dog to a pool filter) The proper amount of suction. (Another guy has it pointed at a dog's butt) Man's best friend. (The cigarette guy is lighting the hot dog in his mouth) ... What the hell are you doing? (A clip of Godzilla) King of the Monsters. (Another guy holds it up at a traffic intersection) Intersections. (A woman brings the hot dog to a ladder) Yes, people will fuck a ladder. I bet there's a ladder-porn site. (The cigarette guy's still trying to smoke the weiner) Dude. Please stop smoking the substitute penis. (he smokes it, but then grimaces) Told you. The End. Nash: The sad part is for at least one or two people watching right now, that qualified as porn. This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else. (he turns to his computer, then looks at the camera) Donkeys! (still in Shrek's voice) (We now come to the credits, the song being King Missile's "Detachable Penis") Final quip: No penises were harmed in the making of this video. Nash: The donkey doesn't want to have sex with you!